As you may already know my mother recently battled breast cancer and survived. She is so strong today, dare I say stronger than before. Experiencing cancer from so close is hard. I had always heard of it on the radio, at school, on posters and brochures but it invaded my family – heavied my heart. And at first, I didn’t know what to say to my mom. I stayed positive and told mom I knew she would beat cancer and be fine. Whether or not I believed it wasn’t the case – I needed to say it for her and I needed to say it for me. I am so thankful to still have my mom.
Today I post about uncertainty. I visited a friend battling cancer of a different sort and I find myself at the beginning of a new internal conflict. It’s hard to see her family, knowing what they must be feeling but really not having the slightest clue what they’re going through. It’s hard to sit and listen to others talk but I can’t seem to muster the words to say how I feel for fear of hurting or saying the wrong thing. Everybody experiences cancer differently – and it intimidates me.
I fear death for myself and for others. I don’t like to imagine a world without a friend or family member in it. The hole left in my heart would be unbearable – but somehow I know I would keep living, but never the same. How do you talk about death? How do you prepare yourself for the emotional burden we all will someday experience? I have yet to lose someone very close to my heart. I have lost grandparents, but at a very young age. Now at 21 I find myself unprepared. I’m not sure I can handle it and I’m scared.
When visiting someone with an illness or disease and their future is uncertain, what do you say? Are you like me and you sit, listen and talk about things as if everything were fine? Or should you acknowledge that you may not be having a chat a year from now? Do you send flowers? What do you write on the card? Should you say some sort of farewell just in case you don’t get another chance? My heart cries these questions yet knows there is no definitive answer. It will be different for everyone.
“We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love.”
~ Madame de Stael.
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